As I lay on the ground during my first day of my weekend retreat I am being reborn over and over as I purge generational trauma of abuse in all forms. I am coughing, gagging, crying, spitting an puking all forms of energy. In the stillnesses between I see this dandelion waiting to bloom. I continue to spew my darkness on it giving back to Mother Earth what she can filter.
Somehow, I am at peace with the pain that is coming up feeling lighter as I release all the darkness that I have absorbed through my life and my ancestors life. I keep looking over and seeing this poor dandelion taking all of my suffering. Why me, why this innocent piece of nature?
The next day, I lay in the same spot and find my friend, the dandelion waiting to bloom. I go into my next round of purging and while it is more gentle I see some more generational trauma, this time sexual abuse that had been passed on through my father's side. I am not sure who it belonged to but it was deep and getting through it was tricky. As it finally passed I look over and see that my friend has blossomed into the picture here.
Then it hit me, the why me is answered. I am blessed with ending generations of trauma passed down through bloodlines that have caused much suffering. With each breathe I die so that I can be reborn with the next breathe.
This is the cycle of life. Life is not created from life, but from death. I suffer so that I can give it back to the Earth, to be filtered, to create more life, and beauty for the world. I do not need to hold on to the suffering. While I have been holding on to the suffering for most of my life, I have been choosing to hold on to the death. While I released a lot of it this weekend, I was able to feel the life force in me again, I felt what its like to have an open heart. I felt what breathing in love feels like.
When I felt, Why Me, I looked at my blossomed friend and was reminded why. To add beauty to the world. Suffering is choice, suffering is holding onto the memories of pain and trauma. When we choose to let it go we begin to see the beauty that it creates.
My gift to the world is creating a space for others to release and give back to the world. It is through loving from an open heart and compassion for everyone. I no longer need to hold onto the collective suffering. I get to transmute it back to Mother Earth so she can create beauty with it. It is not mine to collect and suffer through and it is not yours to hold onto either.
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