So here I sit, a new professional cuddler, waiting and wanting to give love and support so that people feel safe, seen, heard, validated, accepted, grounded, connected, and loved. All the while, I'm wanting and needing the same things.
All through my certification process I was able to hold space for the generous souls that volunteered to help me, all the while convincing myself that I was receiving just as much as them. While yes, I was receiving, I was not the one getting the attention, I had convinced myself that receiving while giving was enough for me.
I recently described it to a friend, that my heart is filling like a seive, while I'm all that I'm receiving when giving has been leaking out slowly. I am now realizing that my resistance to receiving is preventing me from giving fully from a "full cup".
I also discovered that I'm hiding a bit of myself and story along the way. How can I be asking people to come spend time with me when I'm struggling to ask to spend time with others. So, I have discovered that I'm resisting surrendering to someone else, I feel as if I have to always be the sturdy, grounded rock for people to lean on. I am not allowing anyone to be that for me.
I was at a medicine circle a few months back when I was offering support and space for a gentleman that was there and struggling to let go of something. I offered to hold him, it was a wonderful experience to offer that to another man. When we had finished up a woman there did an amazing acrobatic ninja like move and tackled me on the floor, whipped behind me and pulled my back against her chest. I jokingly said, "You didn't have to be so aggressive", her response was, "You wouldn't have acceptted if I asked".
It was a real slap in the face, she was right. I allowed myself to surrender into her and let her support me. I was willing to just Be in that moment. She held me with no judgement, only love and I have recently been reminded of all this. She opened up a part of me that has been craving exactly what I am so willingly wanting to give.
So, because I am still finding it hard myself to ask, I reached out to a local cuddler. Tonight, I have scheduled a session with her. I've already reached out and said that I am there to receive, she can not allow me to try and give. My goal is to completely surrender and let whatever emotions come up.
Receiving is vulnerable, we have to admit that something is missing and ask someone to help find it. While inner work is important, we can not do everything ourselves. We have to put ourselves out there and risk rejection. The great thing about cuddling we won't be rejected. Keep things G rated and ask for consent, you'll get what you want or something close.
The rest of the story will follow soon...How did I handle receiving, was I able to let resistance go, did I allow myself to fully surrender physically and emotionally?
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